happiness

today i helped a complete stranger for the first time (to my recollection). i simply reached a pie a disabled woman in a wheelchair was struggling to reach. instead of feeling good i felt as though i had demeaned her, if I'd left her she would have gotten the pie herself, but it would have taken a lot of effort, uncomfort and maybe pain, and for going through this she would have received a pie. instead i walked up with my fully functioning legs and completely voided her effort.

however this is not my main talking point right now. for the past few weeks I've taken a slightly different view to life and the/my future. of course the spark of this is the fact that i am now doing my university application. not only am i deciding now what i will be studying for the next 3-4 years but i am deciding on what i want to be qualified to do when i pass those years. this decision effects my whole future and my life from this point onward. not only that but i realise that everything i have done until now has lead to this point, but that the decisions i made in the past are effecting my current decisions. i look back at some of the things i decided to do and regret it, we all know the power of hindsight is the greatest. this leads me to now try to make better decisions to try and make up for the bad decisions i have made. but then i realised what am i deciding towards. my future, fair enough, but what do i want my future to be, i must first answer this to know what i must decide. and my answer was happiness.

originally when deciding my university choices and what i wanted to do i just went with what was me. i was seen as 'good with computers'. so therefore i chose computing and computer science. however after thinking about how this decision effects my future i decided against it. i realised that although i enjoyed studying it and i had some skill in that area its not what i want to do. i don't what to be sat in front of a computer screen writing a foreign language to come up with a program. that just isn't me.

over the last year i rediscovered my creativity. having ADHD, I've always been slightly 'creative'. but I've realised that my obsession with building things and painting, is a passion. i have a certain like for the arts that i never really thought of before. film just happens to be my art. there's something about making art out of something that exists that makes me love film, and photography. i love enhancing photos in photoshop, enhancing something captured from real life. Calum i want to thank you for helping me realise this, with of course your video camera and the infected.

fair enough i enjoy film and photography, but it seems like just a hobby and not a real job. but it is there are huge amount of jobs out there in the film industry, a lot more than i originally thought anyway. but i look at most of these people in these jobs and envy them, thinking if i could do that, if i could release my creativity that way I'd be so happy. so that's how i made my decision. the thing which i enjoy is what I'm going to do that way i don't regret anymore decisions. instead of trying to make my parents happy by going into an industry where i won't be happy, I've aimed to make myself happy.

that's the most important thing to me from now on. my own happiness, fuck everybody else. for my life till now i was a lady in a wheelchair desperately reaching for a pie when teenagers would come along and hand me my pies (this is why I'm fat). but now I'm going to get my own pie, even if they try to give it to me I'll refuse. i will go through effort, uncomfort and pain all for my happiness pie. if people boost me up so i can i reach my pie I'd gladly accept but i won't have it handed to me without effort.

Calum - i want to write you this note none of the stuff above (apart from the thanks) is aimed specially at you. but months ago you had dreams of being a big director, remaking the infected with a budget and all sorts, was you not happy with this future. is a future in architecture better for you. I'm not offending your choices i just want to know what makes you choose your future? what are your decisions aiming for? are you making these decisions for yourself? as i said I'm curious, not offending you. I've explained to you how and why I'm making my decisions and i was wondering if its the same across the board. a facebook message or a blog would answer my quieries.

EDIT- with later on refection of this post what i am trying to say is this is my way of living life now. this is how i do my decision making, at the time i thought that would be an interesting blog.